Sharing

Yesterday, i wanted to share my love of the 770 with my Russian friend who is in her mid 60s.
We like going for a walk and talking about life, experiences of life…

She is Jewish, married twice with 5 kids. Her first husband was not a bad man, but she got married too young and was not ready for life.
The second one was an horrible person.
She hates USA and wants to leave this country and live in a place where there are not American people.
I understand what she feels because i didn't find my place here.
I am grey and i met black and white. Black for my very bad experience in business, and white  for the holiness that i met with my roots. Not to say that my experience with Hasidic men was totally pink like in a Barbie world, but i find myself. That's a new beginning, and i will start a new beginning in Paris, then in Israel, then where?
If geographically, i am not stable for now, i find stability in my Jewish experiences since i am in NY.
I find a good balance between the black and the white.
My path is not made of sand but of stones. I killed many shoes on the NY pavement, like a symbol of my soul.

Sunday charity, outside 770, September 2014, ©emmarubinstein

Sunday, around 770, September 2014, ©emmarubinstein

Hand on holy book in the street, September 2014, ©emmarubinstein

After our walk, she had some errands to do. I showed her a cheese store where i have never been.
She is like me, spontaneous.
Once inside, the call of a tradition baguette and the cheese drove me crazy.
We bought cheese and baguette and went to her place where she had red wine.
One of her son lives with her, and we enjoy this unexpected meal. I don't have lunch usually, thus i was very hungry and i craved more the cheese on the baguette.
His son was drunk, i was not.
We went for an evening walk which led us to 770. Her son was happy to go there. They live in CH since a long time and they have never been inside.
Same for her, even if her son received a letter from the famous rebbe.
They see themselves as atheists. She tried to come back to religion, but her life was very painful, and to support all her children was very hard for a single mom.
She was not sure to come inside with me, because of her clothes. I still had my sandals and a cleavage, so i was not better than her.

I told his son to go in the middle of the room where we can see him from above.
He was not wearing black clothes, indeed, thus he will be easy to find.
He didn't show up, so we went out.
Maybe because he was drunk, he felt lost and could not find his way. He bumped into a Hasidic who looked at him weirdly. He apologized in Hebrew, the man got back to his studies.

To convince her to come inside, i told her to make a wish for her first time in this holy temple.
I didn't expect to wake up some holy feelings, but she didn't feel comfortable inside.
I don't know all her Jewish experiences, but i learned something for myself.
I am not able to share what i feel in 770 with someone who has no more connection to Hashem.
She knows all these things, but she is not close to that culture. She used to live in Israel but her Hebrew is so so now.
His son enjoyed the experience a little better. He used to daven in shul when he was a kid.
He would experiment a Shabbos service perhaps.
She thought that she will bother these women.
It's not that they don't pay attention to who is coming inside but, if you remain quiet, everything will be fine with these women.

I am a solivagant in this Hasidic world and yesterday, i actually feel that i can't do in another way. I need to be alone. I can share my story and, listen to the stories of Hasidic men, ex Hasidic, atheist, ex Jew. But if i want to feel the devotion, if i want to build my connection to Him, i have to be alone. That's a justified selfishness.
That was not an experience but a sort of a cross-experience.
What we did was too spontaneous, and she didn't see this 'experience' as i saw it. She added something spiritual when i saw her first visit like a touristic visit of her neighborhood. We didn't have the same expectations.

My other issues when i am going to this shul: i am disturbed by my constant attraction to the men section. I am fascinated by the way they pray, curious what they are talking about, their interrogations about the holy book… I like learning about different things, and i am intrigued by the study of one book… I understand the need to study it because i have a little better knowledge now.
I can't focus on the book of prayers because of my various distractions. I need to find a good balance, to dive in a book of prayer, to understand what i am reading, to avoid the little voices around me, to avoid my constant curiosity… I have to accept it like a part of my nature to scan and to be in observation all the time. But i have to focus more and more.
In Paris, i used to read a lot in transportation. In NY, i never did it. I have to look at people not to miss something.
My child side came back to my face here. I was a coy teenager, i had to take theater classes to feel comfortable to talk in public. I am still bashful. NY helped me not to be scared to talk to strangers.

Now, i need to find other holy people who i can have a connection with, without being frustrated, annoyed, forced, asked for money… to share what i am living at 770, and what i will share in the different shuls in this world during my future journeys.

I know that He knows where it is. He is just playing with me a little more. :-)

I took some habits, and yesterday, i took a photo of a Chabad young man doing a selfie with a bonsai.
That was funny and we exchanged a big smile to each other.
Even with Hasidim, i feel that i can talk to them like all buddies. I am forgetting that there is a gap between me and them. For me, that's positive, i am not sure for them. :-)

Selfie with bonsai, BBG, September 2014, ©emmarubinstein