Publication

I wanted to particularly thank someone who helped me for the editing of a text that you can read on Unpious.com.
I don't give names, i protect my Hasidim babies the best i can.
But he knows who i am talking about, hé hé!
http://www.unpious.com/2013/02/my-hirsute-pursuit/

I found out this website by the first Hasidic i had very long conversations with by email. He thought i was the girl on the bike, riding in Willy. But no. And yes, i have a bike and, wearing skirt or dress, i was immodest when i rode there.
He replied to my first post. He knows all my family story.
And he disappeared from my inbox several months ago. I am sad, i miss him a lot.
He likes Unpious and i wish he will react soon.

Hasidic photos

I love a photographer of Magnum agency, Leonard Freed. He took beautiful photos of Jewish people.
These are some below.
The first one is an old Hasid, a Litvak, maybe someone from my family!
The Leonard Freed's photos start with the kids in the mirror.
The last one, I found it by googling.

My Sukkot experience

I will try to find the feelings i had when i have been to the Pupu shul for Sukkot.
I will copy what i wrote to my Hasidic friends after.

First Sukkot experience in a Pupu shul

I fell in love

I don't know if you will understand what i felt because you dived in this universe since you are circumcised. :-)

So i took my favorite bus B44 to go to my favorite hairy area.
I was perfectly in black, but not old fashioned as the fashion is there, anyway, a modern Hasidic.
I put a scarf on my hair 2 stops before and i was the last one in the bus. :-)
But what i didn't know was that the last stop is in Marcy st and when i went out of the bus, there were many H families who looked at me.
I ran away from them to be in a dark street, walking and looking down.
But they all looked at me, even kids and men… :-)
Why, why, why?
Because i am too modern, because i am alone (i saw H women walking alone), because i have a bag, because i wiggle my hips differently… :-)

I was completely amazed by so many people in the streets, wow!
A night life, Willy is so trendy! :-)
I am used to seeing that but usually there are more men than women and kids…

I walked up to penn street and i saw a woman, i followed her.
My heart bumped to be refused at the entry.
I remained natural and didn't look at these women too much.
But they looked at me once again.
Climbing the stairs, i heard the men singing and all my heart bumped once again, so beautiful, and with a huge desire to go where men were…
(i dream to have a bath with all these men) :-)

There were already many women with kids and the architecture of room is weird.
You can't see down if you are not closed to the windows.
And windows, which are not practical because with all these lights, you have the reflection of your own face and mine with the scarf, wow, i got the giggles.
So i came to the closest part to see the rabbi and all these men with their Torah in their arms.
I don't know if women have their favorite benches and sit there each time they come.
I was behind an old woman with a turban and with her grand-children…
She looked at me and say 'good night' in Yiddish with a big smile, yippee!
I said to her that i didn't speak Yiddish, she asked me which languages i spoke: 'English, French, Spanish, Russian…'
She replied: 'Ah you speak English and French…'
I told her that my father is Jewish and i loved this community, it was the reason i was there tonight…
She saw my bag and told me that during holy days, you can't come to the shul with money…
Oups, i just replied that i just have my metrocard (yes i have money and all my f***ing credit cards).
I stayed behind her and all the men started to sing and moved their bodies on the benches.
And i saw this little old man running on the dancefloor with the Torah (is it the rabbi?) and all these men supported him by their songs as he was running a race.
I admitted that i have the giggles a little.

And in the same time, i felt so sad, because of my obsession of the WWII.
To see all these men, women, kids from these old times by the way they dressed sent my mind back to what Hitler did to your people and my family too…
You are all the survivors of these awful times…
I was glad too that if Hitler can watch that, he must be very upset that despite what he did, you are still alive and many (yep you rebuilt your people).
I know that in the camps Jewish used to sing a lot…
I love to see the smiles on these faces yesterday…

During the break, i saw this old lady threw away a woman who stood behind her bench, wow, so harsh!
She was like the queen of the bench…
I loved the way the women looking for their husband and showing him to their girlfriends especially when one of them carried the Torah.

Before the second song, i was closer to the window and a young woman looked at me and spoke to me in Yiddish.
I started a conversation with her and her girlfriends.
One of them spoke very well English, they were super cute.
I explained fast my personal story and asked them if they were from Satmar: nope, from something like 'pop-up' :-)))))))
They were from Hungary and the woman told me that they follow what the rabbi says, how he teaches the Torah, the rabbi is their leadership…
I told them that it was my first time here and i made a wish that i keep in private.
The woman corrected my English, and explained to the first woman what i was saying (apparently she didn't understand my French accent) so funny!

I have two things to add:
- i hated the noise made by all these women, gossiping, kids screaming because that avoided me to hear these men that i wanted to spank :-)
- i loved the way some women enjoyed this moment… something you can't catch because you are not allowed to be there with them…
Maybe because you don't have tv, these women are completely fascinated by this moment even if they are used to seeing that since they were born…
But there was an intense ambiance, a sort of adrenaline, excitement when men started to sing…
A sort of unity, union to share these moments… like a 'Broadway' show they wait for with impatience…
I left early because women arrived by groups with their strollers…
When i started to go down the stairs, they pushed me and other women, like fights… :-)))
I walked in the streets and once again, they all looked at me…
I walked down lee ave, and in nostrand, i took off my scarf and wait for the bus and i saw these groups of men walking and singing to the way to CH i think…


So i will get back and maybe one day one of these women will invite me to share a Shabbos meal with her family… :-)

After this email, my Hasidic boyfriends explained me the why of how. 

I had a pocket book, and i am not supposed to carry things, and money of course. If i didn't have this pocket, they'd never look at me, even in the streets. I am not sure about that.

And it's not a pop-up shul, but a Pupu shul.

Some women pay to have a bench, especially for Sukkot or other holidays.

It was the rabbi dancing with the Torah.

I chose this shul on Penn street, because a Satmerer (who doesn't want to let me know he is one of them, but i know he is) advised me to go there not to meet me. And also he danced with the Torah.

I didn't get back since Sukkot, but i will soon.

Today i am upset

I know they lie all the time, i know that… I know my Hasidic babies don't live in a real world, no, in a modern world…
But man, one of them 'betrayed' me.
I was suspicious about things but i don't understand, i am baffled.
I never thought he lied about his divorce.
Because each time, i asked questions about his marriage, i saw a very dark shadow in his sparkling eyes and on his smiling lips. Knowing that his marriage could be a real drama, i never insisted.
I was sure he had kids even if he pretended not to have.
He is so easy-going, comfortable, a little scared of being seen, but amongst all the Hasidim i met, he was one of the most confident.

I know that it's hard to trust someone because you were born in lying, you keep going on lying…
My both parents are liars and i am totally the opposite. I am attracted with a community which lives in lying, should i get the message?
My motivation to know their culture are tied up with my family history. I got it.
I felt bad when i knew that his wife is a nice person, open-minded doubtless…

And about the others? The closest ones? Same script?
Doubtless… unfortunately…
I am trying to build friendship, deep friendship, to make them comfortable to express what they feel…
There is always fence and i jump over to show them that they can talk to me. I have an European education too and i am a shiksa, so a bridge between two cultures. I am an outsider working with brooklynites and hanging out with Hasidim.
I am so disappointed and i have to remain quiet because i am not supposed to know the truth…
What they don't understand is that i want to know their truth, the way they live not the way they hide their life. I understand that if they talk to shiksa, they don't want to talk about their reality but they understand that it's what i am looking for without getting them into trouble.
Lying is forbidden in the Torah but… as they always say. Yes i know the meaning of this 'but'.
I am not a gawker when i take a stroll in Willy.
Once, i was on Lee Ave, playing with a cat from a bakery. A Hasidic couple was walking, and the woman came with her daughter to show her the cat. I turned back and smiled at them. Oyyy Veyyy!
She was completely scared. I gave up because of the husband. But, maybe, i had conversations on the Web with him.

Most of my Hasidic babies i talked with are from 20 to 39 years old. Just one was in his late 50's.
What will be their life in 20, 30 years? Running after shiksa or they will find serenity and be submissive, following the rules because they are tied up to their destiny?
That's why i am looking for deep relationship to see what they will do with their life.
We all have choice and they have a lot to lose if they leave the community, but the change can come from the inside.
I remember these ladies at the Pupu shul who told me: 'We have a rabbi, and we follow what the rabbi says.' It was so obvious for her, but despite that, she was the first to come to me to ask me questions.

Anyway, it was a bad day for my hearty Hasidic vibes…

I would like Purim each month in this community

I want to see more smiles on faces, even if they don't smile at me.
Many Jewish holy days are about mournings and the hasidic life is not an easy one.
The hasidic area in Jerusalem is very poor, in Brooklyn, it doesn't breath wealth. But we can be happy without being rich. One Satmerer man told me that 85% of Hasidic couples are unhappy. I don't know where he got this number but if it's true, it's a lot, and too much for a short life.
And sometimes, i have the desire to follow the rules perfectly without asking myself questions. Life would be less complicated. To think too much makes my life complex.
And finally i look at my life: a lost soul in half Judaism, too rebel and independent to follow very strict rules. I tried to imagine if i was born in a Hasidic family. What a mess in my family with my personality!
Amongst all the stories i heard from my Hasidic babies, there is a lot of suffering. I can't imagine to get married with someone i don't like, to let him put his hands on me. It's like a rap with the agreement of the family. Love can't exist because it's easier not to involve emotions and feelings. We are not objects.
I spoke with some Hasidim who love their wife but she was not sexual or she didn't want to do what the man wanted. So they were frustrated and were looking for a fling. They tried everything to convince me to satisfy their needs. Oh my Dog, i couldn't say yes!
The virgin ones are the more persistent. They asked me advices if they have to sleep with someone/me, or not. I never gave advices about that. The lack of sex drove them crazy: their body wanted but their mind didn't. The Torah and Dog scared them.
It was like a hormones storm. They disappeared for long and when the hormones tickled them, they came back to me. I tried to calm them down with words and told them to follow their intuitions or to find someone who can help them.
The world is so cruel and hard and their small world doesn't spare them either. Some asked me very intimate questions about what is sex. They are completely confused. I read that there are rabbis who are here to explain sexual things before the marriage and this awful first night where you have to do your husband duty for the first time.
I felt very sad for them. They didn't want to get married just to have sex but they prefer to wait for the good time, the woman who will make their little hearts be stirred… Good point!
Purim is a awesome holy day to bring joy on their face, to have rest and to enjoy their wives/husband when they like each other.

Purim in Willy

Such a day! Usually i take the B44 to go to Willy to see my Hasidim babies. But today, i decided to take the B48, q road that i know very well.
Before my stop, i started to see a girl with a suit, a colored one but i can't tell you if it illustrated a character or not.
First step out of the bus, and i heard yet the music that i love so much coming from a car. There are old Yiddish Hungarian songs. My favorite is 'Chasdie Hasehm Loy Sumni'.
I had goose bumps. I was walking in the way to the music, thinking of seeing Hasidim dancing in the streets. Just a few people were there with colored hats and their peyos floating in the wind.
I was weeping with mirth during all my walk. I pinched my lips not to laugh loud, just smiling: no smiles in return! :-(
Ramdomly the parents wear suits. Kids have suits from… the outside world: cops, Minnie Mouse, Saddam Hussein (the best suit for me, a teenager or a adult wearing the mask of Saddam Husseing holding his arms his little bro in a cage), the girls from The Little House in the Prairie…
The day where you can pretend to be a shiksa or a shegetz.
I was walking anonymously with a hood and a pair of sunglasses. They always know that i am a shiksa. We looked at each other's eyes, oh la la. They can't see i looked at them. A few turned their heads not to look at the shiksa. Amongst a group of teenagers, one dared to touch my butts, he will be a trouble-maker. He didn't apologize.
I was along a building hearing men singing, so i had a look and saw men dancing and singing. I wanted to be there with them.
I was starving and to see all these see-through plastic bags with the same sponge cake drove me crazy.
I wished my favorite bakery on Lee Avenue would be opened. Light was on but it was closed and all these hamantaschen which taunt me.
I wanted to follow all these families in their house or house of friends.
Last friday, i watched the episode of Blue Bloods which takes place in the Hasidic community. I need to learn the basis of Yiddish and i know where i can find a Hasidic suit, beard and mustache and follow the men everywhere.
Some photos to end.
Usually, the only colors you can watch are the toys of the children in the front of the building.

Shabbos Shabbos

I love the siren that i used to hear when i was working in Crown Heights and after that, a sort of silence.
I like seeing all these tallits in the streets walking to the shul.
Working late but i enjoy my Shabbos later. I don't respect the Shabbos rules: i spend money, i carry things, i travel and i may do my laundry.
But I really like the idea to have a rest, once a week. My heart is Shabbos-ic, i promise.
6 days to create the world. But who created Dog? I asked the Hasidim and the answer is someone bigger than Dog who created the world. But who created the 'someone bigger than Dog'?
It could be preposterous or the dog which bites its tail.
I don't have the answer too.
The way Dog is present in their life surprises me all the time. It's like a double.
A Hasidic man told me that when he is working, he imagines that Dog is doing his job, and he is only his assistant. I don't want to judge because i like this sort of naivety, that's very cute and childlike.
I had religious friends and some practice their religion but i never had such conversations about their beliefs. Their religion is second-rate.
In the Hasidic world, the religion is top-ranking. I have to learn more about this side.
I asked Hasidic and Arthur how you could feel Dog. He replied me that it's the intimate relationship and we can't put words. I am Cartesian and something that i can't catch, i need explanations.
I tease Hasidim with this kind of questions, to let them ask themselves questions.
For the most narrow-minded ones, that's obvious to believe in Dog.
One insulted me because he knows the truth. The truth is in the Torah and i couldn't catch it because i wasn't smart enough. Since then, i stop talking with him. It was not our first electronically argument/fight, but i thought he is schizo. He didn't accept my decision to cut him off, so he stalks me by text messages. I feel bad and sad for him. I just have the impression that in the Yeshiva, all the kids are supposed to be at the same level, and they are not considered as individual person, forgetting that they can have their own personality.
They were always surprised that i don't believe in Dog. I am surprised too to feel deeply Jewish and not to believe in Dog.
I believe that my life is written somewhere, my destiny will be this one. The people i met on my path are the ones i have to meet. They share a part of my life going on the same way, or different ways. Connection, disconnection… Who knows, but who is who?

i am really meshuga…

I have a very good Hasidic friend and oh my Dog, i laugh a lot with him about religion, life…
When i was in highschool, i was bored a lot in classes. Teachers were too serious about their subject they taught. I spent time laughing and joking with my friends, spending in highschool 9 years instead of 7.
How many times teachers told me to get out of the class, disturbing my classmates?
The only teacher i liked a lot was the History teacher. The way she told the history with a huge sense of humor, made me lmao. :-)
When she let us know the meeting between and Hitler, we all laughed: two deranged persons thinking that the other was mad but not themselves. But everyone knows the rest… unfortunately…

Anyway, i love to learn lots of things with humor. The best way for my memory to remember them.
Life is so boring without humor.
I can be bored easily with people but i admitted that to speak, meet and enjoy the company of Hasidim in Brooklyn didn't make me bored…
It starts by the same questions about age, marriage, number of children and after, it is going on if they show me their feelings and emotions.
That's very hard for me to keep mine. Sometimes, i would like us to give me a little their unemotional side to protect me better.
And in the same time, i don't want to be another person.
Especially with them who live in liars.
My mom doesn't know all my secrets of course and i have my secret world. She thinks i am meshuga and that i have to write a book about my NY adventures…
She likes my Hasidic stories because she likes the Jews, no she loves the Jews.
Both of us were not born jewish but we feel so Jewish deeply without believing in Dog. Woof, woof!

So many stories with Hasidim, I didn't try to find out the truth, because they need to talk. They have many frustrations not to be themselves with their family, friends, acquaintances.
Everything is under control. I can't imagine when it will explode on Lee Ave: a big firework of black hats, white shirts and wigs.
I have just one Hasidic friend who is a woman. I talked with other women online. But I found out there were men, pretending they were women finally. The last one was not smart enough and asked me intimate questions and thought i would be naive enough to believe he was a woman.
(S)he insisted and i gave up.

I remembered that i lied to my mom to hang out with my friends. I was looking forward to being 18 not to have to ask the permission.
I went on lying about things of course but she knows very well who i am.
She always said that i have a Jewish nose, but what is it? :-)
I look like my father, yippee…
Sundown is on its way, the end for all my Hasidic friends to put their feet under the table and eat some hamantaschen…

Purim is on its way…

It will be my first one. I never heard about this holy day. My Jewish friends in France don't celebrate. They are not Orthodox, some eat Kosher, other not. Some eat pigs, like in my father family.
I am vegetarian and i love cheese, one of my selfish pleasure when i bought a French one here in NY.
Colored holy days in the 'black' Williamsburg, I am looking forward to seeing that next Sunday.
A Hasidic showed me photos he took last year, that was amazing. How could i miss that? Where i was?
I wondered in these streets so many times.
The suits of the kids are awesome but all the smiles of the faces of these men were beautiful. There was a sort of joy, they were far away from the shul, focusing on their kids, smiles, jokes, laughs…
Let's see if they will be able to talk to me… I d.o.n.t t.h.i.n.k s.o. :-(
Amongst all the Hasidim i had conversation with, i imagined that some might be from my family. One or two gave me their real name, the others not and most of the time, they change their first name, age…
The little i read about the Torah doesn't mention the fear of outsiders. You have to welcome the others but you are not forced to like them.
I asked Arthur about women who shave their hair, and other things concerning Hasidism, his reply was clear: 'The Chasidic world is too often fear-based, close-minded, conformists and intolerant. I suggest sticking with Jewish studies and not watching what other do. Judaism trusts the individual.'
How can't I watch at the others do? The more complicated it is, the more i am attracted to.
I have been once in a Pupu shul for Sukkot, i will never forget what i lived amongst these women asking me questions. I will talk about this experience in another post.
I presume that it's not easy to approach the Satmerer rabbi but i would like to have a conversation with him about all these laws, especially the shaved heads.
During the WWII, to shave the heads of women was a sign of humiliation. Just have a look at the photos of prisoners of camps, look at all these faces so sad, with no names, just a tattooed number on their arm, living in awful conditions: no hygiene, no intimacy…
I have been in Auchswitz, and there was still a smell. I was completely scared, feeling the presence of Nazis everywhere. I have been there by train. This train following the same tracks that the WWII trains followed too. I started to feel bad at the station.
I wanted to spend all the day there, and as one goes along, i couldn't breath anymore.
From Krakow to Auschwitz, one hour and half for 50 kilometers in 1996, that was insane. I thought of all these poor people dedicated to death, spending the last 90 min, often more, in these trains, starving and thirsty.
I spent time in the old ghetto of Warsaw, I love this place and the streets around. To see all these men in black in Williamsburg projected me there. These streets are empty of its inhabitants now.
So Purim is a joyful holy day, and i will be there to celebrate it with my spy camera.
Some photos i took during my strolls.