*to have shalom, prepare for war
Weird and amazing day!
Nothing to do with Hasidism in a concrete way! But a big feeling that some wars i was into lately, are coming to an end.
This morning, i started the day by breaking glass. I am not clumsy but today, it had to start like that.
According to some countries, for example, Korea, to break glass is bad luck. In my country, to break it is a sign of happiness and money.
Money makes me vomit, i.e. the obsession of money in NY, this pathology makes me vomit.
As De Gaulle used to say: "we have won a battle, not the war."
I won a battle today against my landlord for my retail space. I wanted to shut down my business for clients, end of June. He wants me to leave June 1rst.
I am happy about that, but 11 days to get rid of all my stuffs is not impossible but almost impossible.
And the other big issue was the refund of my security deposit.
He knows that i am a big fighter, and i am not scared of going to the court. Anyway!
I have been more than firm: keys against cashier check of my security after my agreement concerning the amount. I had the balance today, and of course, i will protest! :-)
And on my way home, i wanted to scream, because i felt relieved that things moved in the way i wanted and i will focus on my other project soon: my third life.
After Paris, NY, and now Israel…
I will be shocked, as a Parisian friend said to me lately, when i will be back in Paris, but… i will be fine too!
How it will be without seeing squirrels, peyos men around me all the time?
I came here to set up a business in a field i never worked in before.
I used to work for movie industry as graphic designer in France during many years. I worked with a set designer on movies too and, i made the decoration of my work place. I have to say goodbye to a part of this decoration soon, but yes, i will be fine, and i will cry for sure.
I used to be one of the first hip hop DJ female, but i didn't want to be a celebrity. I can't stand that!
I used to spend times in Cannes Festival, watching movies during the day, and partying at night with some famous people. You want gossips? No way! :-)
I am happy because this year, 6 or 7 Israeli movies have been selected in the other parallel sections than the Official and mainly by female filmmakers.
In 4 months, i will pack all my Jewish and secular books, my cat, laptops… and start a new life…
But before leaving, i will dive in a peyos sea, and finish what i started here. Boro Park, Kyrias Joel, Crown Heights and Willy, i will stroll in your streets.
I will give many things to my Hasidic female friend, she doesn't have a lot of money…
Tomorrow morning, i have a meeting with another rabbi from the same congregation and i will see if i can deal with him a conversion in 4 months. I didn't want to talk about my decision by email, i prefer to say things in person. I don't want to deal either this conversion in a business way. It's more than that.
I hate when Hasidim say that i have an obsession with them, i just have a fascination. What i will do with what i already have since 3 years and will have during these last 4 months? Book, movie… Who cares? I don't care.
Because i don't have the structure yet. It will come out to my mind naturally, i already have some ideas and if it has to be published, seen… i will stay anonymous by respect for them. Too much public presentations can kill the credibility. If it takes 10, 20 years or more… that's fine…
That's very complicated because this Jewish path that i am taking is so personal. I enjoy all the Hasidic stories i heard, but i don't enjoy the phenomena of belonging to a group…, like one of Hasidim, ex Hasidim… I read, listen what they all have to say… I understand their need to be together to be understood better… but that's not me.
10 years ago, i used to hang out with the same group of friends. I realized that i was in a closed circle. Hard to explain to them that i was growing up when they were in a sort of regression to do always the same things. I was tired of their judgments each time a new person was introduced to the group.
I felt so bad that i decided to 'quit' this group. The invoice was expensive: some chose my side, some chose the side of the chef of the group, some did not make choices…
Just after that, i have been in Israel for a week, and i moved on…
10 years later, i am in Brooklyn, and i will leave it soon, for ever…
I don't want to have a green card or be American, i don't feel it…
I am not a person for this city, and this country…
I came here with 2 suitcases, and i left all my things from my roots in a storage in Paris. I learn to live in a minimalist way. That was not easy for a collector like i am, but i am still fine… :-)
My pursuit of my Jewishness exploded in my face, and that's a success for me. A large part of the money i have invested will be lost but humanistically, my pockets and my heart account are full and rich. I did different Hasidic things, but i prefer to meet them alone, not in a group. Or in a group every blue moon. The six degrees of separation are so narrow in the Hasidic world that it's very hard to remain anonymous.
I wanted to go to the Yiddish farm to have a look, but i can't. I can't be in a group where i am pretty sure, i will meet some guys that i already know.
And the second issue is the animals. They will fire me asap when they will find out that i opened all the cages, during the night, to make them free, to avoid them to be killed. Animals feel when you will come and kill them.
Haven't you ever heard a pig screaming before its death? No, indeed, you keep Kosher! :-)
I am a solitary person who has closed friends.
Today, a Hasidic friend of mine met the same bad person. And i was 'happy' not to be the only one to have been treated so badly. I didn't know if i have been treated because i am a gentile or a female gentile. But apparently, this person treats people from the H community the same way. This person is bad all around!
And i met online so far: my king, and the stranger who sent me this book and who doesn't even live here… that's just beautiful and makes me cry sometimes… :-)
And G., the Jewish who comes everyday to tell me: 'It sucks that you go back to France, that you go in Israel. Israeli are horrible…"
Yes i will be fine…
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| crown heights, september 2012, ©emmarubinstein |
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| crown heights, september 2012, ©emmarubinstein |
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| crown heights, september 2012, ©emmarubinstein |
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