Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The day i became a shiksexual entertainment despite me

I didn't remember how it started.
I was emailing back and forth with a Satmerer and he wanted to talk to me on Skype.
It was a dark summer night, so let's go for what?
Who was behind this screen?
He was in his room, hidden in his kid bed. He looked like one of the 7 dwarfs, Doc, except he didn't have a night hat.
That was pretty funny.
I started by showing him my hair and eyes, then the rest of my face.

I already did it once but the Hasidic was so scared to show me his face, so i talked to his fringes. Then he disappeared for ever. :-)

He was in his early 30s and said he was not married, looking for the One.
Let's try to believe that.

I have no memory about the rest of the conversation. Some vague explanations why he was no't married yet!

Suddenly, there was a tempest in front of me.

I was on a boat and the waves started to move.
What was going on?
No, not that and not like that, i thought!


I tried to imagine he was finding a way to be more comfortable in his bed.
Hm...

That was very disturbing to follow a conversation.
The bed was keeping on rocking. I was seasick.

My tolerance threshold came up!
'What are you doing?'
Black screen! :-)

He disappeared for ever!
Cochon !* (*pig!)

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Welcome in the emotional Hasidic world!


The emotional story of a Hasidic who enjoys living in his community and playing in the outside world.
He breaks his walls with words and acts. I am not going to elaborate his acts but I will focus on his thoughts.
He is lucid on what’s going on in this community. The H society isn’t about love: “Marriage for me is a fact of life. It isn't relevant how it is in the secular society. Since I've been born into this society, I need to play the game according to the rules of this community.”
He is an emotional person. I am more than interested by how he can handle ‘secular’ emotions.
As you have understood, the choice of a life partner is not a love partner. I enjoy asking him when he is going to a wedding, if the newlyweds have chosen their partner. And I enjoy the reply: “It’s a H marriage!
Meeting outsiders, female outsiders, leads to a sort of temptation with Hasidic boundaries that I can find in all the H I have met. The first boundary is the Religion. That’s so powerful!
I questioned elements of what I’ve been told. I don't question the faith. I believe in god and in the Torah. I also try to understand things. I could question things, but more than anything out of curiosity.
The Torah talks about love, and allows love. But why Hasidism doesn’t allow it? Hasidism always refers to the Torah: they wake up with it, eat with it, shower with it, work with it, and sleep with it…
Why Hasidism has decided to be against the rules of the Torah for this point?
Married men or not, they don’t want an emotional love affair. Some want it, and ask me to be their passionate lover. I have never been on their path. So they disappeared like a little whistle of air out of a balloon. These ones had passionate love affairs in the past. I didn’t elaborate what they called ‘passionate love affair’, and I didn’t want to use my imagination.

Leading a double life on such an emotional, deep level has to be very tough. I highly doubt it's worth it. It could be nice and fun, but than it would in all likelihood lead to heartbreak etc
Love or not, they are already living a double life according to the definition of the H world: talking, laughing, hugging… outsider strangers as I am, is totally forbidden.

I can show love to people. It could be love not in a sexual way. It's difficult but possible. I'd like to get myself to that point, of just having enough love, in a healthy, balanced way, so to be able to feel and show it to anyone.” I love my family, some friends, in an emotional way but not sexual.
It doesn’t mean either that I jump in a bed with all the men who are attractive to me. I need rest!  ;-)

There are people like that in all religions and cultures. There are also people like that all over. They’re full of love without the need for any external person or situation. That’s when we're really free.
How many gurus slept with their disciples? A lot.
How many priests slept with nuns? A lot.

I admire this Hasidic strength of resistance not to fall in the flesh so easily. Are they aware how it could be frustrating for their sexual partner in crime? :-)
Is Dog their guru?

I wonder what this Hasidic means by freedom. People who escaped from sects talked about freedom once they were out of it.
Some outsiders use the word ‘cult’ instead of ‘sect’ when they talk about Hasidism. They are not totally isolated physically and geographically but what about their mind, faith, devotion and also their connection to my world?

Sex and the relation to sex are very complicated in NY. I had a conversation with one of my clients. He is gay and enjoyed his recent trip in Paris where sex is more relaxed. There are too many questions and drawers in NY. He speaks French and I recommend him to have a French lover. He is totally into that! The best way to improve a foreign language starts on pillows, indeed!
Do you think Yiddish could work like that? :-)
I never talked so much about my emotions as something specific since I live in NY. To show emotions is a sign of weakness. I can pretend that everything is gants gut, when I don’t want someone to ask me personal questions.
In the Hasidic world, they have a hard time to explain me their misery. Yiddish is a better language to express them as many European languages. English is a language of action, and many of them don’t spell well.
What is it to be miserable when you have nothing to compare if you stay stuck to your community.
It’s very hard for the ones who can’t express it because they don’t know themselves the reason of a tormented mind. Freud, we need your help.

I watched the course by a teacher from Yale about his introduction of emotions:
I was bored, and resisted a lot not to stop watching this insipid lecture.
I gave up ten minutes before the end.
To pay such an amount of money to hear that, it’s such a shame!
I will try the second part to see if the level is better. But reading the overview of this second lecture doesn’t indicate something better except a fast sleeping mode.
But I recommend to the Hasidim for a very slow start. If you don’t know the references like Mr Spock from Star Trek, nobody will blame you. And Freud either, or the informer of his theory, Karl Popper.
A subway devotion, May 2012, ©emmarubinstein

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Havdalah Blues

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GWsdqCYvgw#t=213
A song by Nick Cave, an Australian musician with a beautiful deep voice.
A poet…
He wrote books…
And his band, the Bad Seeds…
A hirsute song…
If you are curious, listen to his albums from the 80s.

Welcome in my musical world…


Friday, January 17, 2014

Waiting for a Dog's call


I believe that my life is written somewhere. Where? I don’t have the answer.
I believe that people are not on my road by accident. Why? I don’t have the answer.
Some Hasidim told me that I believe in G-d, but how?

I feel an interior voice. I call it intuition. By their huge devotion, I would like to hear their thoughts and emotions in their relationship with G-d, and see if I feel the same way sometimes.

I enjoy posting funny posts and, i decided that i could be serious for once.
It was a chou blanc* post (*French for white cabbage = failure).
The subject of G-d, which is a large part of their life, didn't seem to catch their attention that much.
We know pretty well now their main reason to spend time on CL.

Dear Hasidic Friends - w4mw
I need your help.
Come on guys, don't tell me you are scared of replying to this kind of questions. :)
Could you reply to some of my personal interrogations please?

The questions below are the rest of the post.

Indeed i received a few responses and i had to post it many times.
It's still online, wishing G-d in person will reply to me.
So far, not good!

I thought of changing 'G-D" by ‘sex’ to see the reactions but i felt bad to do it, though…
The reason to change it is i really think G-d has all the power when i think of the name in French.
The word 'G-d', pronounced like the English, [god], but written 'gode' is the contraction of the French word 'godemichet' which means dildo.
As we know sex and money control the world. I will say money first.
Don't be offended Hasidic friends, that's totally culturally French.
The etymology of this word comes from a Catalan word 'leather from Gadamès' (a city in Libya, famous for its leather), influenced by the medieval Latin words which mean 'please me'.
We will never see Libya as an enemy country!

The short replies:

- Hi. Am hasidic, well, kind of.
And why should we know the answers?

All very good questions I must admit. But what are your intentions. The guys on here/this site (exept me) are usualy not the right ppl to ask
From your questions it seems like you know all the answers.. so why even borher

- It's to match to right in email for this u need to talk on the phone or face to face

- there is no god you fucking idiot 

The only ones who replied, took it quite seriously:

1.What G-d is for you? 
Something that does not lend itself to being defined. This includes merely attempting to define even by stating that it's not subject to definition.
G-D is everything for each human, the creator as well as the one who gives us what we need (not always necessarily what we think we need though) he gives us life as well as options to do the right or the wrong but we are dependent on him since without him we are nothing as well as dead lol
- God is our creator, our Lord. (same idea as every religion)
G-d can mean the moral inclination; it can mean the divine originator of reality who is in control of the world.

2. How do you think G-d reveals himself in the current life?
Anything and everything manifesting to me in any and every way.
he reveals himself in everything as for the previous answer but sometimes he reminds us how he controls everything and I guess I can give u examples on depending where your from are you from NY?
He is hidden, but sometimes we see and feel him thru miracles etc)
Reveals himself through reality

3. How do you feel G-d?
Said feeling is not subject to description. "Feeling" and describing it are a contradiction in terms. We usually try describing emotions by providing clues so for the listener to "match" it up to something they themselves have experienced. "Feeling God" (or "Godliness") is essentially the deepest level of connection, of getting lost, of coalescing with something bigger of which I'm yet a part of.
I breathe and wake up in the morning, 
Hard to, but when you believe in him, you feel him.
You can experience G-d through prayer, by being alive.

4. Does G-d talk to you?
Yes. Via all the things and people I come across.
G-D talks to us all through our doings but not physically
We cant hear him, but he for sure does.
G-d talks to humans according to Jewish teachings

5. Do you talk to G-d besides the prayers?
Yes.
I believe when we talk to him it is prayers, meaning when we ask for something or turn to him it is prayers even though not prayers that are supposed to be said regularly by all but we all can turn to him any time
Yes. we bless him before we eat or drink, and after we use the bathroom etc etc.. And everytime we need something we ask him for luck, wisdom etc..
You can choose to talk to g-d on a constant basis.

6. Who created G-d?
Oh, we're not taking about THAT God. We're dealing with the one who actually did all the creating - including the created God.
god is the creator so if he was created then he wouldn't be the creator meaning we always need to go back to the original since a creator of creators wouldn't be a creation and the whole idea of creating was created by him so before he created the world and us there was no need for the whole idea of creation since he was before it all.
Nobody did.
BY definition G-d can't be created but is infinite which defies understanding.

7. Is there one G-d?
Yes.
of course there is only one
Yes.
The guiding principle of Judaism is that there is just one G-d and whoever questions this denies the basic tenet of Judaism and is considered an apostate.

8. Why the other religions don't talk about the same G-d?
They do, using different words and terminology, though. God is bigger than and includes them all.
what do you mean? other religions all come back to one god I think, am I wrong? except for those who believe in the sun etc but if you think for a moment it all goes back since who created the sun G-D did so we are back to square one
Every religion has their own god and traditions.
It's of no major concern what the other religions believe.

They all agree that there is one G-d, but there is one contradiction in the last question.
One of these repliers said 'Im a Hasidic guy, but to be honest - i am not really a big believer... But i can definitely answer your questions from a hasids point of view, even thou i dont totally agree with it.'

Their different interpretations make them human beings. Despite that, G-d seems to control their heart, body, brain…

Who is THAT God? Is there One, where is the other One?
Who is this God when they are in the bathroom? Does God flush, send messages by the shower head?

Some replies left me in the 4th dimension.

I didn’t recognize myself in their replies. If I have to feel G-d, I might have my own interpretation but I don’t name Him/Her/It alike.
I am interested by the time they devote to G-d and the ‘side’ effects: to thank G-d when a tomato grows in their garden, when they open their eyes in the morning, when they find a new job… , to implore the sky when there is a storm…
Each thing they do, it’s always with the help of G-d. They don’t think they have a part of responsibility in their success or failure. G-d first, then their Hasidic life…

If you are interested to reply, send me an email to: emmarubinstein11213@gmail.com. I will be pleased to read your soul.

Shabbos readings ©emmarubinstein

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Take it or leave it


When i started to be involved in this community, i didn't know the Hasidic rules i will have to follow.
I am still amusing by the enthusiasm of the Hasidic novices who talk to a gentile for their first time.
That's so obvious for me to talk to anyone without thinking if (s)he is black, white, Muslim, Jewish…
I feel like an extraterrestrial for the Hasidim.
They live in a big city surrounding by different communities, so they see us…
We don't hide, turn our back when we meet these men in black…

Two days ago, a Hasidic i know, came to my work place spontaneously.
A friend of mine, in her 30s, who lives in Crown Heights since she is 3 years old, had never spoken to a Hasidic.
She was a little bashful but the Hasidic and I were very comfortable to talk about anything.
He is this kind of Hasidic with who we can launch an impromptu party.
I washed my dirty laundry by teasing him. 
He lied about some stuffs and i am an enthusiastic to say things more in person than by email.
That was not a big deal, it was a need to voice them out.
He likes dancing, and Shlomo Carlebach was on the dance-floor. :-)
I like this Hasidic, and i punched his peyos friendly.
I asked my friend to touch his peyos, it's like to touch the red bobble hat of a French sailor, it brings you luck.
I decided that it's one of my rules to touch peyos to bring me luck!
In my country, when you do something for the first time, you make wishes.
She made two: first time she talked to a Hasidic and hugged him. :-)

This Hasidic is comfortable in my world with his neat peyos like an attraction for girls!

I tried to understand why, we, outsiders, have to follow the conditions of Hasidim.
They decide when we meet.
They decide when they have to disappear.
They decide when they are warm and friendly.
They decide to dive in a religious coldness.
They decide what they expect from you.

That's a real machismo world, and as a feminist, i dislike a strong male domination.
I am for sex equality. 

I don't ask them for meeting anymore, i let them come to me, as i let them go when they are dominated by their religious reason.
I don't need explanations either.
I am just an observer.
They taught me a lot how to handle my emotions, to protect myself.
There is nothing to understand.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwKAoPsIgBE
Foggy Crown Heights, January 2014 ©emmarubinstein




Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Hasidic duck

Who cares who it is?
It lives in my bathroom and the attempt of my roommate for decoration is, how could i say…?
This hirsute plastic creature looks at me weirdly.
I tried to have a Hasidic conversation with it, but it couldn't stand me, and ask for following me in the shower.
I found it beautiful with its new pelage. It will grow, and i will recycle it for a wig or a shtreimel.
Viva la peluda revoluciÓn!


Friday, January 10, 2014

It's oh so Friday!

Crown Heights
Friday night
It's oh so quiet!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htobTBlCvUU

Our first Exquisite Corpse:

A red towel
smack
an old book
during Sabbath
on a beach in Normandy
with a shtreimel
to his grandmother
because I'm dizzy

Shabbos Shalom!
Shhhhhhhhhhh
Shaaaaaaaaaaa

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Daniel Mendelsohn 'The Lost'

This book arrived in my life as i was wandering in Paris in the Fnac (the French Barnes & Nobles).
I don't believe things happen by accident. I had a look at Literature French Prizes, and this book caught my attention.
It received the Medicis Prize in 2007, but i read it in 2009, the year i attempted to learn more about my family story with the closed door of my father.
This book was a sort of revelation and full of hope for my little Jewish heart.
For the speech:
http://www.danielmendelsohn.com/books/the-lost-reviews
It impacted on my life and through his book, i identified myself on all these Ukrainian roads seeking for my past.
I have traveled in Poland during 3 weeks in 1994, so the descriptions of landscapes, villages, towns were very familiar. The people too. It's in Ukraine now after the frontiers have changed.
I was with him and his words when he was visiting the house where a part of his family used to live.
This book touched me so deeply.

Daniel Mendelsohn had already started his research by another book written in 1999, The Elusive Embrace: Desire and the Riddle of Identity which is the first volume of a tryptic. I just found it on Wikipedia.

Have you read this story about this Polish man who beat Jewish, Arabs and homeless and found he had Jewish blood? He became very religious. He was a sort of Alex from Clockwork Orange by Stanley Kubrick.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7fO3bzPeBQ
His story was in the NYT, and i think Hollywood bought the rights. Let's see!
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/world/europe/28poland.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
Jewish redemption? Interesting story about the ignorance.
Pawel/Pinchas: 'Even as Pawel embraced the life of a neo-Nazi, he said that he had pangs that his identity was built on a lie.'
He is not the first one to feel that way. I had an ex boyfriend who knew he was Jewish by his father but his family lies to him. His father went to the church. He tried to know the truth. His father always avoided the conversation. Welcome to the club!
Our parents don't understand how painful it's to feel lonely to accept their lies, secrets…

I want to find my family here and in the same time, i am scared that they might be mean like my French family… I let my subconscious to give me the starting signal for the next step. Lately I was thinking of writing back to my father to ask him for sending me old photos and threaten him to sue him. I know that's bad but did he give me the choice so far? Being scared of a scandal in the family, he might be more conciliatory. Let's see!

If only all roads lead to our roots…