Let me be a Jew!

I am in a deadlock, an impasse…

I am aware of not having done the things as they were supposed to be done.
To be autodidact and independent, without following the rules that i followed without belonging to a community is not accepted so far.
To be rejected is very hard for me. And also how i have been rejected by a French woman.

Yerushalayim, January 2015, ©emmarubinstein

I sent an email to her to have more information about their conversion program.
She asked me in return for telling her my personal and professional life.
That's not simple to summarize my life but i did it.
In France a conversion takes two years and half, in Israel, 7 months. If they feel that you are not ready, it can take more time.
The best option for me, even if i don't see like an option but like a desire of being confirmed in what i feel, is to do it in Israel where i want to live.
That woman told me that, because i won't have the papers proving my Jewishness, i can't follow her conversion program if i can prove that i belong to a Jewish Orthodox community since two years.
I can't prove it.
That means that the conversion will be longer than a French conversion if i follow her rules.

Above a black hat, Yerushalayim, January 2015, ©emmarubinstein

 Honestly, what i don't understand, is that if you want to be a Jew, that's not for the fun of it. I mean that's an important decision, not a funny decision. That's very serious! I am not 20 years old, so it's a matured decision.

To say to me: "Contact me in two years. Best wishes.", is totally unfair. Is her role not to meet me first, to have a conversation in person before judging me?

I was too mad at her reply that i shut down my laptop. 

Leaving the Kotel, Yerushalayim, January 2015, ©emmarubinstein

The Midrash Vayikra says: "A candidate who would like to get converted sincerely, we will tend the hand to come under the Divine Presence."
We are "newborn babies" according to the Talmud (Yevamot 22a), and "all the mistakes are forgiven."
I didn't reply to her yet, and i don't know if i will do it.

Walking very close, Mea She'arim, Yerushalayim, January 2015, ©emmarubinstein

I don't know if she is aware of being Jewish in an anti-Jewish climate in Europe is not a light decision.
I decided it a long time ago, and i am working on it slowly indeed, to respect all the 613 mitzvots.
When i read them, i can point many Hasidim or Jews who don't even respect half of them. But that's not my business anymore.

All the Jews that i have met told me that it's very difficult. Who doesn't have ups and downs in his life?
I handle them as anyone, and i don't give up easily with what i want deeply.

So, let me be a Jew at 100%!

Smoking before or after davening, Bnei Brak outside of a very old shul,
January 2015, ©emmarubinstein

I decided so far not to reply to her email, because my emotions become too high when i read it.
I contacted the rabbi who takes care of the French conversion.
I don't want to do it in France. That's too complicated with my mom. I tried to impose little things.
I am waiting for his reply.

When i was in Israel, my mom bumped into one of her neighbors that i dislike. She is an Arab but she is ashamed of being an Arab from a North African country (i.e. Algeria, Morrocco and Tunisia), she says she is Egyptian. That's not the first time that i meet people like her. I let them think that i am stupid.
Anyway. That woman asked my mom where i was. Guess what? My mom, terrified to say that i have Jewish blood, replied that i was in Jordan. I was mad at her. Why Jordan? If she wanted to lie, i would have preferred that she says that i was Italy.

Aerial peyots catching messages from heaven, Mea Shea'rim, Yerushalayim, January 2015, ©emmarubinstein

That anti-Jew climate doesn't help my mom. Shamed and scared of being in love with the Jews, and having a daughter with a Jew, that's not a life. And not a life for me certainly.
There is an Arab family at the same floor than us. I recently met the mother. I didn't feel her. So, let's forget the mezuzah at the door.
Before them, there was a nice family: she was muslim, and her husband an observant Jew. He came at each Pesach to give us all the open packs. They got divorced because he cheated on her. She is with a Catholic now. :-)

I understand that we have to show our devoted motivation, but can we be judged after an interview?

I am still in touch with the Breslev family, but i didn't tell them that i will get converted. Because, despite the agreement of the Torah, i already feel a Jew and thus a BT.
She told me that her husband is helping people to get converted. He is too handsome to be my rabbi. :-)
I feel guilt to have lied administratively, not spiritually.
I am scared of her reaction if i tell her now.

Abstract black hat, Jaffa Gate, Yerushalayim, January 2015, ©emmarubinstein

To take this rejection is that the program offered by that woman is in French, and i want to follow one in English.
I think that the best for me is to find a job in Yerushalayim or Haifa, where i can use my French and English, when i keep on learning Hebrew. Then, i hope to find a nice Orthodox community with passionate teachers like my Torah teacher. And start a conversion with an ugly married rabbi with 20 children. :-)