A sunny and peaceful Sunday after the Paris attacks

November, 15th 2015 ©emmarubinstein

I got the news after midnight when i got back home from a Shabbos dinner in a family that i met at my shul.
They thanked me to make them travel with my Hasidic stories.
My friends were worried about me and were looking for me.
I used to live in this area that i enjoyed a lot.

Saturday was very quiet, but i was stressed : they are not military men since 2 Shabbos, and the shul has only very large unshielded windows. The government offered to pay 80% of the price for shielded windows. I wish they will change them.

On Sunday, after the cabin fever, i went to Ulpan classes.
With some of my friends we had planned to go to our favorite Kosher restaurant in Le Marais.
Many stores were closed during the weekend but the Jews decided not to be afraid, l'chaim!

November, 15th 2015 ©emmarubinstein

My first challot

Heard about the Shabbos Project ?
The idea comes from South Africa and now, the project is growing.
Last year, i heard a little about it in France.
This year, that was bigger.

My red pot and those of my girlfriends, October 2015, ©emmarubinstein

My red pot, gloves, flour, eggs, sugar, etc, October 2015, ©emmarubinstein

The week of the Shabbos Project, some evenings are organized to learn how to bake a challah.
The women have 3 responsibilities: to light the candles, the bake the challah, to make food kosher (kashrut).
I never baked a challah, i bought it.

I was not available for the evenings, but an impromptu event happened: i abandoned one of my job at the break time. I gave my badge saying that i will never come back. I felt free! For Americans, it might be seen like something obvious, not in my country!

The other good news was that i was available finally for learning how to bake a challah.
Challah or a boring job?
My choice was made!

Teenagers having fun, October 2015, ©emmarubinstein

Teenagers having fun, October 2015, ©emmarubinstein

My girlfriends from my Torah, Hebrew, etc classes are back with me that year. I met some of them during all the summer, sharing meals and lots of laughs. We have our HQ restaurant, and we are making friend with the owner and some servers who know pretty well when we are there.
In that restaurant, you can share a table with other people. There are many tourists, thus a good occasion to practice my English.

Teenagers having fun, October 2015, ©emmarubinstein

Teenagers having fun, October 2015, ©emmarubinstein

It happened that my girlfriends were all there at the evening.
We were all at the same table.
There were 300 women. We have been welcomed so well.
A friend of mine has been at another challah evening the day before. I saw a photo of her and asked her why she was wearing a scarf on her head: "To avoid questions". Man! That's not a shame to have never been married.
I replied to her: "I want questions."

The ambiance was very funny. Everyone has her way to bake it.
When the paste is ready, women teach you how to braid the challah.
I didn't braid them but i looked at my friends.

To roll the paste is quite sensual. Look at your wife when she is making it, and let me know! :-)

My challah paste ready to go home, October 2015, ©emmarubinstein 

First challot round, October 2015, ©emmarubinstein 

Second challot round, October 2015, ©emmarubinstein

Talmud study

I am back to Torah and Hebrew courses since two weeks now.
I made more time available to study the Mishnah and the Talmud.

I learnt, and you can laugh at me, that Moshe Rabbenu is Moses. I never thought that Moses could have a last name and he could have a biography. My mistake! :-)
I already heard that name but i thought that he was a great sage.
He was a former Egyptian prince and known as the authorship of the Torah. That made me intrigued totally because Egyptians and Jews are not a good match so far.

Before Sukkot, Paris 19ème, 2015, ©emmarubinstein

Before Sukkot, Paris 19ème, 2015, ©emmarubinstein

I enjoy the idea waking up every morning and to go to bed less stupid than in the morning.

I am not going to elaborate the Mishnah class. The teacher is nice and funny. He is a Lubaba. But it's more like a literal translation of the Mishnah we are studying. We can ask questions. I need more time to make a better opinion of this class.

I would like to talk about the Talmud class.
There are two teachers who teach that class.
I have been to a class about messianism taught by one of them. I stopped going because he has a big ego and he always talked about his wife. It bothered me a lot. I made some attempts to ask questions. Each time, he said that he will reply to me. He never did.
You can be a real fan of this teacher or not. There is no grey!

Father and daughter, before Sukkot, Paris 19ème, 2015, ©emmarubinstein

I chose the other one.
Last week, i was so excited by this class and also by the teacher.
He is a rabbi and a teacher, not surprising!
From a point of view of a woman or female, he is very attractive for me: tall and hair. He has something  very elegant in the way he teaches. He is manly. I can't give him an age but maybe between 45 and 55.
And ashkenazi. :-)

Beyond the attraction i could have, the interaction he gives us during the class is awesome.
First thing, he said to us: "I want to be honest with you. I don't think that you will be able to study the Talmud at the end of the year."
The complexity of the Talmud and a lack of knowledge are the main reasons, but he is here to give us some clues and a way of understanding things.

I should say that he is a modern rabbi. He is often joking.
We are studying the Chapter 7 about Shabbos and the sacrifices.
I was not really enthusiastic to the idea of studying sacrifices of animals as you know.

I feel useful when i am following this class.

He talked about the intimacy of the Talmud study. The transmission is the main thing.
The difference between the study of the Torah and the study in secular school is that there is no beginning in the study of the Torah. Everything has the same value. That's disturbing.

There is a distinction between obligations and interdictions. For Kippur, there is no interdictions of not eating, but it said: "You will mortify yourself".
365 interdictions, and 2 obligations : circumcision and Pessah sacrifice.

Now, imagine the classroom. All the women around the rabbi.
You can talk at anytime, that's an open discussion.
But if you reply "Yes" or "No", you have to argue. He is a great listener. You can ask him lots of questions. he will take the time to reply to you. If he doesn't know nothing, he will tell us.
He makes us think and he makes himself think with our questions.
That's how i see useful education.

Before Sukkot, rue des Rosiers, Paris 4ème, 2015, ©emmarubinstein

Rosh Hashanah 5776 and first Shabbos of the year

I spent the two days of Rosh Hashanah at the shul.
I felt a sort of need of re-connection of the French Jews with their roots.
Maybe the events of last January made them be aware of being a Jew is like something which belongs to us and not to the other people.
I have met other women that i haven't met the first time.

I was completely lost with the Rosh Hashanah book. The rebbetzin told us to stand up when the shofar will be blown and when there was the Torah opened "in the air".
I had issues to remain focused on my book because of the noise of the conversations of women between them or with their children.
I often heard the rebbetzin saying: "shhhhh".

Rue des Rosiers, Paris, 2015, ©emmarubinstein

For me, what was important is the joy to be altogether, and only the joy, the love of life which characterizes the Jewish people the most. To stand up for your nation whatever it happens.

I saw that i was not the only one lost in the pages. Some Jews came because it was important to be there.

The best moment for me was a thing that i have never done. I heard about it the last years and my unconsciousness kept it somewhere in my brain like something only symbolic.
I don't like following the crowd but to follow a Jewish crowd is for a good reason. :-)
On the first evening of Rosh Hashanah, we had a new meeting at the shul around 6:30 pm for the tashlikh.
On my way to the shul, a man recognized me. He lives in the building at the opposite of mine.
He is like the superintendent of the shul.
I told him that i started the process of a conversion and i was lost with the prayers. It's hard for him to follow sometimes. The women told me that i will become less ignorant than them because i will learn properly how to be a Jew.
I told him that i was happy to have found a nice and open-minded rabbi.

Stamps in the Moleskine store, Rue des Rosiers, Paris, 2015, ©emmarubinstein

We had to hear the shofar before strolling to the river, the Seine.
On the path of the tashlikh, i had a delightful conversion with an old Jewish French lady who had pain in her feet. She was with her son, i supposed. I didn't ask.
She lives in Washington. I told her that i used to live in NY and i didn't like it. She doesn't like the obsessional relationship of the Americans with money. I didn't have time to ask for more details about her American life because she met a shomer man and i went to the river to throw my sins into the water. I didn't know how to shake the corner of my clothes. I had a quick look at the other prayers. I found some tiny stones to throw finally, because i thought that we will make the symbolic gesture of throwing our sins into the water.

I noticed something else: when i read a prayer, it takes time for the women and for me, it's always shorter. Thus i don't know if i read the prayer too fast or if things are missing.
That will be a question for my future teacher.

During the Rosh Hashanah service, a soldier came inside the shul with his gun. He wanted to go to the bathroom.
He had to cross the men section, and some freaked out like it was a terrorist attack. I felt once again that the Jews are victims but don't behave like victims because of their love of life, and also they are not attackers. Some women shouted: "He wants to use the bathroom" to calm down their men when we felt the tension. That was a scary moment. The "never forget" was on and the "things can happen again" too was on.

Rue des Rosiers, Paris, 2015, ©emmarubinstein

On Saturday morning, during the kiddush i had the chance to talk with the young woman who is going to a process of a conversion.
She received the same letter from the Consistory. She wondered if the Consistory actually read the letter we have sent. She was prepared because she had a friend who had received the same letter.
I don't know the reasons for what she decided to become a Jew. She told me that first, she found a shul where she didn't feel welcome. She asked the ladies which page of the siddur they were reading and, she felt that she was disturbing them.
Then, thanks to a friend of her, she found our shul, and she loved it. That's a small community and everyone is helpful, and to help someone is a mitzvah.
The conversion process is different from a person to another one.
But the most important thing is to feel comfortable with your community and your rabbi.
During her first appointment at the Consistory they tried to make her give up.
She lives far away from our shul but she has a friend where she can sleep during Shabbos and holidays.

At 6:30 pm, we had a course by the rebbetzin about Kippur: meaning, preparations for the fast and customs. "Don't eat too salty and no garlic either!", she said.
I think that i will drink two liters of water and eat fruits before fasting. She said that we can't brush our teeth and can put some deodorant. Kippur is the Shabbos of the Shabbos. I am obsessed with cleanliness and will put lot of deodorant before shutting down everything.
I enjoyed the way she gave her the Kippur course.
Many women didn't know the customs, and sometimes, i felt more Jewish than them, without arrogance. Some were more interested by knowing if the brand of their snickers was without leather than the course.
If you don't know what to wear : Converse sneakers and like my Hasidic from Brooklyn: Crocs. :-)

She told a true story about a little boy who has been raised by a non Jewish family, the governor of the city who was a close friend to his father. His parents passed away. He knew that he was a Jew because of children in his school.
His parents told him the truth, and he tried to understand what it was to be a Jew.
His father left him a box with a tefillin, a tallit and a book. He went to a small village where Jews were living. It was erev yom Kippur, and all the Jews were in a rush.
He found an old man who told him that he was a Jew but he didn't have the time to talk more.
The little boy came back the day after, the day of Kippur.
He went to the synagogue with his pack. He saw the men wearing tallit, he did the same.
And i forgot the end of the story. Thus, if anyone knows it, thanks for telling me.
I had tears in my eyes and i had to hide them because you don't cry on Shabbos.
I saw myself with my interrogations when i was a child.

Books and beard, Paris, 2015, ©emmarubinstein

Conversion process

New year and new life…
I am officially in the process of a conversion.
After thinking too much where i can do it, i decided to do it in my country.

Le Marais, Paris, August 2015, ©emmarubinstein

First, i had to write a letter to the Consistory to explain why i want to get converted.
How to summarize my life in not too many pages.
Then, the best exercise is to handwrite it. You actually show your soul.

I write this blog since February 2013, but i travel in the Jewish world since my childhood, and in the Hasidic world since my first steps in Prague and Poland at the beginning of the 90s.

Living in Brooklyn was a revelation of a new path to take.

Before crossing the Mediterranean sea, i have things to deal with in Paris.
I will take the test to work with kids between the age of 3 and 5.
I am still working besides those things. And i stopped working on Fridays. Except that i started a creative workshop with children where i am assisting an artist. She has a Jewish name, born in Argentina, spending time there and in Italy and back since 3 years in France. She is in her 60s.
She looks like Jewish by her father's lineage. :-)
As she said: "I was good for camps".

I found a Jewish community. First time, i have been shy.

My shul, my community, Paris,
That homeless with his dog was not aware that he was sitting in front of a shul.
The Hasidim were scared of asking him for leaving. But soldiers were around.
2015, ©emmarubinstein

My first Friday was weird. I was the only woman.
I sent an email to the rabbi who told me to come to the shul.
I wanted to meet him "properly" before coming and because of the last dramatic events.
He was too busy to reply to me.
Finally, we had a phone conversation, and i liked him right away.

When we talked, i had already received the response of the Consistory which has accepted to open a file for my conversion.
Their letter was weird and My rabbi (yes, i am proud of having found a rabbi), explained me that they want the future converted to give up.
The process is on and i have to send some papers to start.

As you know, i am lost not to live surrounded by Hasidim all the time.
And not to be able to go to the 770 as i used to go at anytime.
I told to my rabbi my feelings.
I can go to all the services: Friday evening and Saturday morning.
The women come on Saturdays. And i can meet them in their section and at the kiddush in the basement.
Last week was my first kiddush with that community and the last Shabbos of the year 5775.
The rabbi told me that there is a young girl who is in the process of a conversion too.
I talked to her yesterday.
My rabbi thinks that it will be a good idea to exchange feelings.
Indeed! She is in her 20s, none of her parents is Jewish.
I think that she will be able to help me with the siddur.
Indeed again! She told me that the Consistory will give me a list of teachers who will teach me how to pray, etc…
The rabbi was not worried about my ability to find my tracks about the prayers.
Sometimes, i stop reading the siddur and i listen to the men. I also try to recognize Hebrew words.
I met the rabbi's wife who is a teacher for kids in a Yeshiva.
She was interested by the workshop i had with the children.

Bochurim from Crown Heights in rue des Rosiers, Paris, August 2015, ©emmarubinstein

rue des Rosiers, Paris, August 2015, ©emmarubinstein

During the kiddush, i talked with a few women. They asked me for looking for my roots from my mother lineage. The rabbi suggested me to do it.
My mother was blessed as a Catholic, thus i was born from a Catholic mother. There are too many things to learn and i am ready to go for that long process.

One of the women told me that she always asks her children to show her in the siddur. She is wearing a wig and she didn't have a Jewish education.
She was nice and, she dislikes deeply to judge a book by its cover.
She gave examples about women who look very tzniut, and their way of life is not.
I was smiling and thinking about all my Hasidic stories.

Yesterday before the Havdallah, i had a course about Kippur with my rabbi's wife. It was delightful for me.
I was happy to learn that i can do the kapparos with money instead of the poor chicken.

I will write later about Rosh Hashanah.

Shana Tova everyone!

Smiling face, rue des Rosiers, Paris, 2015, ©emmarubinstein

The "Shtisel" series & "Felix and Meira"

Where did my heart go to?
The Shtisel family or the Felix and Meira?

The first one indeed!
First, the difference comes from the background of the directors.
Shtisel is an Israeli series by Jewish filmmakers, and Felix and Meira is a Canadian movie by a non Jewish filmmaker.

I observed the details with a lot of attention as you know.

Paris Le Marais on a Sunday afternoon, August 2015, ©emmarubinstein

Felix and Meira by Maxime Giroux
Some of my French friends recommended me too. They liked it. And i understood why now.
I can't say that i dislike it but i felt that something missed.
There are mistakes in the observance of the religion.
I read the credits thinking hopefully that it was based on a true story. But not! I don't forget that it's a movie of 105 minutes, not a documentary.
All the scenes have been shot during a winter and the story lasts that winter: short time for that kind of story. Someone who wants to leave the community will take more time in the time space and in the psychological space. The Jewishness will inhabits them a long time.

I read an interview of the filmmaker on a French website.
He said that he was more in the observation side than in the speech. According to him, and i believe him for that, Canadians from Québec are more into unspoken words than into thoughts and speech.
I found that with the New Yorkers too. And i could not adapt myself to that culture.
That's hard to criticize what we call in anthropology, the cultural relativism. Thus you take it or leave it.
You already know my decision.

I needed to see something more psychological with answers to my eternal questions.
And it missed something Jewish too.
The filmmaker added that his bias came from Felix, the goy. He had a sort of naivety. He saw him like a hipster. I saw him like a loser. His life is empty, he has no passions, no emotions, nobody to take care of.
She seems like an entertainment in his empty life for him. He is not mean with her fortunately.
I wished that his patience with her will help him to understand himself and why he can be attracted to someone who is at the opposite of himself.

The filmmaker said that he was scared of failing the Jewish observance scenes until the last minute. He chose an actor who left the community. I knew him, not personally, but because one day, a Hasidic sent me photos of him, pretending that he was him. He was gross and vulgar, and disappeared after i threw him away.
He added that the movie by John Turturro was not well prepared. I agreed about the lack of Hasidic culture in that movie.

There is something shallow which can talk to anyone who never found interest in Hasidic culture and i don't blame it for that.
There is something that i like at the end of the movie: her relationship with her wig. You can see the gap between us, and what's next? No answers.
To leave someone who you didn't communicate with, to go with someone who don't communicate ever  can be a good choice if you don't want to think… Most of Hasidim that i have met were looking for a non emotional relationship and didn't want to talk about the pain to be
The "non-shomer-ization" or how to learn to touch someone of the opposite sex without thinking of something sexual. How do you accept to show your body to others…? All those points that i wanted to see.

One take off shoe, Paris Le Marais on a Sunday afternoon, August 2015, ©emmarubinstein

Shitsel by Alon Zingman
12 episodes and i am looking forward to seeing a season 2.
The action takes place in Yerushalayim in an ultra-Orthodox family where the eldest son, Akiva, wants to get married with someone he loves. He accepts the game of the arranged marriage and meets young women. He falls in love with an older woman who is a widow twice. A series with humor, especially with the grand-mother who finds out TV and its American soap series. She felt compassion for the characters and forgets to read her psalms.
Akiva's father is an old bitter and selfish man. His selfishness hurts people and he doesn't see it, except with his son.
What it's shown is the difference of generations and the way to see love like something needed for Akiva and something non essential for his father. His wife was there to take care of him and his stomach. He is shown like someone asexual, where the food takes the place of the food.
He is gross with the ladies. He can't catch signs of love coming from someone else. The ladies remain polite and don't dare to confront him.
The other characters that i liked a lot are Akiva's sister, her husband and her daughter. That's not only the relationship to the religion but how to talk about your pain to be in a relation that you don't want anymore. Ultra-Orthodox always thinks that Hashem and the representatives like the rabbis can help. In this case, they close the wife in denial. Her husband asks for communication as a liberation of his sins. His daughter is a rebel and she doesn't have enough experience of life to understand what her father has done. His father will put words on his pain in a very moving scene in his daughter's room.

I am writing my letter for a demand for a conversion in France. It has to be a handwritten letter and i like having pain in my hand. I would like to be a little mouse to read all the conversion letters that the Consistory receives.
Sometimes, friends can surprise me. My mother talked to a friend about my desire to get converted and told her that i was learning Hebrew. She is not Jewish, but she found that so great and was not surprised at all by me. I felt that my mom too was surprised that someone who is not my mother was more supportive than her. :-)

Shul, rue Pavée, Paris Le Marais on a Sunday afternoon, August 2015, ©emmarubinstein

Siyum

That was my first one and i am proud of celebrating it with my classmates.

Our Torah teacher told us that a rabbi (i forgot his name) took each Hebrew letters of Siyum and put numbers like that:
סמ = ך
י = וד
ו = ו
ם = ם

In numerical value, they are equal which means that what we have learnt (on the right), we have the same to learn (on the left). The study is infinite. That too is a lesson of humility.
That rabbi didn't like siyum. Siyum means end and new beginning.
When you study the Torah, you understand that very well. All the things one teacher can tell you during one hour and half about one verse of the Holy Book.

We were all sad to stop following classes till October 12th for the beginning of the a new year of study. That's too long. I decided to have discipline and to study my Hebrew.
We will organize some lunches all together and, to hang out if there are Lubavitch things to do.

The siyum was like a class where we can eat and drink. It was mixed, men and women.
Texts have been read about a study of each class, except the Hebrew and Ulpan classes.
The beautiful surprise was to find out that our rabbi of these two last classes is an excellent singer who gave me goose bumps. He is Sephardi and sang Ashkenazi songs from Alsace.
That was so beautiful!
I post the videos without mentioning his name.
You can see on his face all the kindness of this man. He was so patient with us.

In parallel, i have a job which takes me time. I dislike it a lot because i felt useful to the humanity. I need to be useful in my life without pretending that i will change the world. I don't believe that we can change people, but we have to do with what they are. The importance is to be selective and to be surrounded by the people who gave you good energy and good vibes.

I have been aware that i started the project of being close to our cousins, the descendants of Ishmael, son of Abraham.
There are many muslims where i work, younger than me. The ones i prefer are two sisters, early 20s who are wearing veil (not at work, French law doesn't allow it). We didn't have the chance to talk about religion so far but we talk as human beings first.
Not to be in the deny of acts against Jews, i have the certitude once again that the medias are causing huge damages by not saying the truth. They are putting oil on the fire.

I recently met an editor for French TV and we totally agree about what we see on Tv, is very bad for the humanity. And unfortunately the majority is like veals (De Gaulles dixit). That's a comfort maybe to think that the world is described on TV without wondering what is true or bad.
He agreed with the education of history of religions, and he added that we need classes of medias, how it actually works.
The last example is with the referendum in Greece last week-end.

There are many young men from Kabylia, North of Algeria. Some are following the Ramadan, some not. Some are atheists, some not.
One of them, 26 years old, is like a little brother for me. He asks me questions about relationships with women. He felt lonely, and he is spending his time to chat up all the girls. "He makes me busy." I push him to do something better in his life. He knows that i will get to convert and, he doesn't care who i am religiously.
One day, he talked about the French colonization and what the French did to his people. I told him that my family hasn't been involved in such acts. Members of my family died in camps, that shut up his mouth. I understand what he can feel.

I didn't feel hatred against Jews. I came with the desire to take the temperature of the young Muslim generations. I didn't express who i am to many of them. We have to talk as human beings. Then, if i tell them and they react badly, that will be an argument to talk about.
What we are living is a daily life not a religious life…

My favorite one, singing about Yerushalayim gives me goose bumps.